Oracle Drive: You’re Getting Horoscopes for Christmas ♪


The celebrated author of The Temporal Analects and Post-Mortem Communication for Complete Idiots, Madame Teiresia Nostradame, Seer Ph. D launches her online debut! The Seer is in.

A Introduction of the Seer
Thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. I am Teiresia Nostradame, the latest in a long line of foreseers. I enjoy translating locked tomes of eldritch lore from Timeless Oldtongue to modern English, communing with the Astral Clergy of the Elder Gods residing in the Furthest Quasars, predicting the future so accurately it’s unreal, asking the Stars for the Fates of the world, not to mention, shopping in thrift stores. With the gift of the Oracle Implant I retain the memories of the visions my predecessors saw before me, and I gaze into the Creative Void for answers, yet to be revealed by the waves of Time.

My readings are guaranteed accurate. My truths, brief. I shall not be excessively verbose in imparting the wisdom of the Fortunes for fear of miscommunication. There shall be no hamfisted prose and there shall be no wheeling about the truth like a drunk bus driver about to kill sixty passengers by flipping over the side of a bridge railing.

These are the Transcendental Fates from the Esoteric Beyond. These are your Horoscopes. These are your futures.

LO: Lucky Object
ULO: Unlucky Object

♐ Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
LO: Holy Grail
ULO: Consumerism
Christmas is almost upon us, and you are so disgusted by mall Santas and Macy’s sales and kids screaming for iPhones that you just want to crawl into a hole. People have forgotten the true meaning of this holiday, which is about the gift of giving, and you will rectify this by following people around and reminding them whenever they buy something.

♑ Capricorn (12/21-1/20)
LO: Mistilteinn sword
ULO: Mall Santas
Look at this mess. Will you just look at this slightly bigger mess than usual that is your holiday spirit. You will set up mistletoes in strategic locations, but nobody will kiss you under them because they all have tuberculosis. You will go shopping with your friends, but one annoying Sagittarius won’t shut up about consumerism. You will get a PS4, but it will be riddled with glitches.

♒ Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
LO: Gae Bolg lance
ULO: Hot chocolate
Looks like all the time you wasted on your blog has finally paid off. Due to the lucky movement of Venus, your Christmas present will be a thousand new followers from developing countries. Bonus points if your blog is about bands you ironically enjoy. You feel so happy, you might just ironically push somebody off a rooftop.

♓ Pisces (2/18-3/20)
LO: Aurora borealis
ULO: Peanuts Holiday Special
It’s a good thing winter vacation is two weeks long, because you will feel the need to go on an adventure! Grab a friend, preferably a Virgo, and go race in the Iditarod! Hunt seals on a glacier! You might get lost looking for the Northern Lights, but in the end, you’ll have fun, and that’s what matters.

♈ Aries (3/20-4/19)
LO: Akashic records
ULO: Keyboards
Ancient and mystical forces are compelling you, Aries. They are compelling you to question the reality around you and not be so gullible all the time. Be cautious of Leos, for they are on the lookout for people to fool this month.

♉ Taurus (4/19-5/20)
LO: Crystal chalices
ULO: Binders
‘Tis the season to be jolly and hopefully not get sick all the time. On one hand, your immune system sucks. On the other hand, somebody will give you a really nice Christmas present, so it’s not all bad.

♊ Gemini (5/20-6/21)
LO: Gill Tarot
ULO: Instagram
Fortune favors the bold, and the stars have chosen you to receive the best gift the next time you participate in a round of Secret Santa. So don’t be hesitant! Ask for a thousand bucks, and you shall receive them.

♋ Cancer (6/21-7/22)
LO: Excalibur
ULO: Shrubbery
This holiday season you will be hounded by a psychotic nut. To be precise, your tormentor is a Scorpio, but all Scorpio friends are kind of crazy this month, so what else is new? In order to prevent harm from coming your way, make thirty gingerbread houses and burn them in a sacrificial ritual.

♌ Leo (7/22-8/22)
LO: Heart Sutra
ULO: MP3 Players
Don’t stop reading, this really works! Prank five people each week, and you will be kissed by the love of your life on Christmas Eve! Aries are really gullible this month, so target them. Copy and paste this onto fifty other blog posts, or else you’ll get charcoal for Christmas.

♍ Virgo (8/22-9/22)
LO: Aluminum Christmas trees
ULO: Puppets
You probably thought you were going to spend winter break swaddled in your Snuggie, drinking hot chocolate and watching the Peanuts Holiday Special, weren’t you? You thought wrong. Thanks to the influence of cold Neptune, a Pisces will suddenly pull you along on an Arctic adventure and eventually get both of you stranded in the bleak frozen hinterland. It falls on you to bring holiday cheer back and possibly not get eaten by polar bears.

♎ Libra (9/22-10/23)
LO: Stradivarius violins
ULO: Rabbits
Go outside on Winter Solstice and stand on the roof of your house. Watch as the rain turns to snow and suddenly, you will see a movement in the shadows! Is it Gabriel, messenger of God? Nope, it’s an Aquarius sneaking up to push you off the roof and into a snowdrift.

♏ Scorpio (10/23-11/22)
LO: Spear of Longinus
ULO: Snapchat
Maybe it’s the chaotic energies of Mars affecting you, or maybe you’re finally starting to crack, but this month you will suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to just give up and be free! You will do whatever you want to whoever you want whenever you want. Consequences? What’s that? Cancers especially will have little patience for you, but who cares! You’re going to do your own thing!! Wheee!!!!!!!! Oh wow, what sort of crazy stunt should you pull first???

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