Oracle Drive: Into the Unseen of 2014

THE SEER IS IN

The Aether year, the horse year, the traveling year. 2014 is welcomed with the unique lunar alignment to Jupiter and Mars as well as the usual Quadrantids meteor shower. The frosty first month will be of great import in the new year, as it is the month that will decide the direction of the whole year. January is Directions and Steering, Crossroads and Deciding. You, dear reader, won’t be caught in January confusion. You have consulted Oracle Drive, and now you will no longer stumble through the dark like some horribly drunk and muddled ghost. You’ll just be a slightly less drunk and muddled ghost.

Let’s not waste any more time.

LO: Lucky object
ULO: Unlucky object

♑ Capricorn (12/21-1/20)
LO: Narwhals
ULO: Juggling batons
This January, befriend a person who hates. Befriend a person who has hated since their first memory. Befriend a person whose heart is heavy with 2014-quintillion gallons of angry, and even if each and every molecule in the world was laden with dislike, it still wouldn’t equal the amount of hate they have for the universe this very nanosecond and all the seconds that come after it. Find that person, and be that person’s buddy.

♒ Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
LO: Obsidian arrowheads
ULO: Soda
This is the Love Year for you, my friend, so you better not mess up. Due to Venus being in the fifth house on New Year’s Day, you will be blessed with affection from friends, family, and significant others. Like somebody but lack the courage to confess? They will reciprocate your feelings this year! Your estranged parents think you’re worthless? They’ll be changing their minds in 2014! Beware of attracting unwanted love though, because while your relationships with others will improve, you might just find yourself hassled by a stalker or ten.

♓ Pisces (2/18-3/20)
LO: Laminators
ULO: Avocados
You will find yourself full of drive and ambition this year, Pisces. You will plan many grand goals and stellar schemes, and you will succeed at almost anything you try! So go ahead and shoot for the moon. Take a try at getting into Harvard, becoming a CEO, world domination, whatever. No matter what, you have an unbelievable chance of success. Seriously, fortune this good will probably have some serious repercussions later, as any amount of joy is countered with an equal amount of despair, but if anybody is caring about that, it certainly isn’t you.

♈ Aries (3/20-4/19)
LO: Fool’s gold
ULO: Robots
You will develop apathy towards the world and antisocial behaviors this year, but you mustn’t let these negative feelings overcome you. Things precious to you will lose their luster, hobbies interesting to you will become boring, and nothing is worth being curious about anymore, but you should not give up on life. Pursue new interests and find a way to revitalize your spirit, or your find yourself in a dire situation.

♉ Taurus (4/19-5/20)
LO: Antique teacups
ULO: Spiders
A change will occur in your status quo, a call to adventure perhaps, and you will depart on a quest. Traveling is your best bet to bring back the luck and happiness you lacked last year. Go and explore places unknown, or return to usual destinations and discover something new.The breeze will be your guide.

♊ Gemini (5/20-6/21)
LO: Red string of fate
ULO: Missing socks
You will learn two important lessons this year: how to throw a truly outrageous party for all your friends, and how to dual-wield plastic samurai swords. This year you will be gifted with boundless energy and a huge love for fun. 2014 is the Party Year for you, and whether that entails throwing seizure-inducing raves or having a simple get-together with books and old movies, you will have fun with your friends this year.

♋ Cancer (6/21-7/22)
LO: Flying carpet
ULO: Homework
Maybe you should’ve stayed in bed this year. 2014 will be an incredibly sluggish year for you, with nothing particularly exciting or tragic happening to you. Even if something odd occurs, you won’t think of it as anything out of the ordinary. Your feeling of detachment from the world is brought on by the alignment of Venus to the star Betelgeuse, but this isn’t a bad thing. You will just have an extremely normal, if a little boring, year.

♌ Leo (7/22-8/22)
LO: Rafflesia flowers
ULO: Pesticide
My, what a wonderful year to perform agriculture! This year seems like a jolly good time to interact with kingdom plantae! You sure do love yourself some chlorophyll! You’re quite keen on photosynthesis too! How about some sustainable farming, eh? No, this isn’t about you turning into a vegetable. This is about you getting a green thumb and producing a veritable smorgasbord of produce.

♍ Virgo (8/22-9/22)
LO: Silk worms
ULO: Polyester
The luckless displacement of Neptune in the eighth house means bad news for you, Virgo. During a blue moon of this year you will be poisoned after ingesting octopi, and you will suffer psychedelic hallucinations everywhere you go. The only way to break the curse is to weave a textile displaying the colors you see, set it ablaze, and send it out to sea. Or you could say no to drugs. That works too.

♎ Libra (9/22-10/23)
LO: Elkhorn corals
ULO: Scented Sharpie pens
The ocean will bring you great fortune this year. If you go on an underwater expedition, you will make a wonderful discovery. Perhaps you will discover a new species of coral. Maybe you will find Atlantis. Or maybe you will make friends with some stingrays. Beware of venturing into deserts this year, for you will get lost in a sandstorm and none shall see you again.

♏ Scorpio (10/23-11/22)
LO: Lapis lazuli
ULO: Rag dolls
Thanks to the agitation of Mars, you will suddenly develop severe koumpounophobia. That’s the fear of buttons. You will be haunted by button-eyed specters when you’re alone in the dark. Aggress these malefactors by hanging a cat calendar on your wall and keeping a stone with a hole in it on your person at all times.

♐ Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
LO: Frying pans
ULO: Milk tea
It’s time to get your munch on! You will become a celebrated food critic and chef, and you will concoct feasts for your friends and family. Unfortunately, you will not be able to drink any tea related products, especially milk tea, or you will contract a rare disease in which flowers grow out of your ears.

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