Oracle Drive: Springing into Action

Thank you for consulting the Oracle Drive, and I, the Seer, will deliver the fates I have gleaned from the cosmos.

Spring is arriving at last, and with it comes the joys of sunlight and flowers and hay fever. Riding in the wake of spring rainstorms and floral celebrations are hopeful, hectic times, and you may grow frightened at the thought of the future. Will you be Fortune’s favorite or Fortune’s fool? Are the days waiting ahead peaceable and benevolent or stressful and turbulent? Will you finally move out of your parents’ basement and get a job? Only time will tell, and it’s fortunate I can read time through the stars.

Let’s learn something together.

LO: Lucky object
ULO: Unlucky object

♓ Pisces (2/18-3/20)
LO: Flying fish
ULO: Hairbrushes
Did you know if you feed pigeons this month, you have a high chance of contracting avian flu? Though you may love to befriend fine feathery folks on the street, refrain from feeding them or else you will end up harming them more than benefiting them, and you also risk danger to yourself.

♈ Aries (3/20-4/19)
LO: Literary devices
ULO: Pillows
The morning star Venus shines her blessings upon you this month. The celebrity you are enamored with will miraculously send a sincere love letter to your doorstep. Respond immediately and you will live happily ever after, probably.

♉ Taurus (4/19-5/20)
LO: Botany textbooks
ULO: Posters
The gift of Saturn will be bestowed upon you if you plant a garden of sunflowers this month. Last year your sunflower garden was devoured by bugs, but pestilence will surely be kept away if you revive your attempt.

♊ Gemini (5/20-6/21)
LO: Alfalfa
ULO: Forks
The luck bestowed to you by Neptune must be used wisely this month. Though you are highly likely to succeed at what you try, you will also be strongly tempted to abuse your good luck to do something silly. Try not to attempt anything disastrous, like building a rabbit hutch in your locker.

♋ Cancer (6/21-7/22)
LO: Brittle stars
ULO: Pencils
You will uncover a wellspring of charisma within you this month. Channel your ability to give stirring speeches and inspire motivation in the masses to join your club, class, etc. If you attempt to run for a class officer position or something similar, you will surely be elected without fail.

♌ Leo (7/22-8/22)
LO: Halogen bulbs
ULO: Mustard greens
Watching musicals this month will invoke the protection of Jupiter. Bonus points if the musical is silly and/or absurdly surreal. Super-duper bonus points if you watch the musical with a large group of friends or a clowder of cats.

♍ Virgo (8/22-9/22)
LO: Salt flats
ULO: Colored pencils
Due to the lunar eclipse in Bolivia, you will suddenly be instilled with a taste for the supernatural. Go ghost hunting this month by poking through mausoleums or conducting a seance, or try to discover nature spirits in Golden Gate Park.

♎ Libra (9/22-10/23)
LO: Bromothymol blue
ULO: USB drives
You must seek inner peace and tranquility as soon as possible, for stressful times are brewing ahead on the horizon! Go to a peaceful spot and meditate for an hour each day to prevent losing your mind when the storm hits.

♏ Scorpio (10/23-11/22)
LO: Persian rugs
ULO: Plastic
Beware of using non-biodegradable materials this month. You might not notice it right now, but your habit of littering plastic everywhere is slowly and surely incurring the wrath of Nature. Curb your environmentally unfriendly ways if your don’t want sinkholes in your living room.

♐ Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
LO: Sunday comics
ULO: Pretzels
The unlucky positioning of Polaris and Betelgeuse in the fifth house has upped your chance of acquiring food poisoning the next time you eat mall food. Next time you go to the mall, resist the temptation of the food stands and you will avoid stomach flu.

♑ Capricorn (12/21-1/20)
LO: Helix fossil
ULO: Math jokes
Poetry is your salvation from bad luck this month. Go to a poetry cafe! Try your hand at slam poetry! Compose a thought-provoking haiku! Serenade your significant other with a sonnet! Poems are great, and you will love them.

♒ Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
LO: Optical illusions
ULO: Apple juice
Your weary days of unemployment will be over soon, dear Aquarius. Your newfound career will be a most surprising one, a profession completely out of the blue. Whether it’s directing infomercials or narrating nature documentaries, it will be a job you are unsure you would even like, but you will love it immediately once you get started.

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