Thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. Now that we are in daylight savings, we are given a few extra hours to bask in the sun’s radiance. For those of us who enjoy the warmth and glow of daytime, this is an auspicious time of year to be taken advantage of. For those of us more inclined to the calm darkness of night and the softer gleam of stars and the moon, do not worry about being Fortune’s forsaken. I can help you navigate your most fortuitous path and divine your fate with complete accuracy. From me, you will know how and when to make big bucks, how and where you will find adventure, and where and when that Porta Potty in front of your house will spontaneously combust.
Now let’s continue. All horoscopes are absolutely accurate or your money back. Refunds and fates non-negotiable.
LO: Lucky Object
ULO: Unlucky Object
♈ Aries (3/21-4/19)
LO: Seaside ruins
Perhaps an archaeological dig is the perfect thing to sate your appetite for adventure. You can do a reenactment of Temple Run and anger a few dozen hordes of eldritch abominations while in search of gold and legendary weapons belonging to ancient kings, or you can do something more pedestrian and check out a few local ruins. If you begin your expedition during a new moon, you will certainly discover something unfathomably amazing, but your chances of running into trouble will increase exponentially as well.
♉ Taurus (4/20-5/20)
LO: Foggy forests
ULO: War movies
You must take walks through a misty naturescape at least ten times to bring forth a blessing from the Pleiades star cluster. As you walk, you must be in a complete state of zen. Refrain from too much conversation or feeding the wildlife. You must stroll leisurely (vs. jogging vigorously) in a calorie-burning craze. If you do this, you will be gifted with amazing luck as you pass through the obfuscating fog.
♊ Gemini (5/21-6/21)
It is important for you to get as much sun as possible before the month is over, Gemini. Your current fortune is aligned with the Yang and the Sun, so get outside, get busy, and get sunburnt. Do something outrageous. Sprint on the beach where the hot sand dunes are. Make a few bonfires and roast some marshmallows. Stay active and energetic while the day is long.
♋ Cancer (6/22-7/22)
ULO: Computer viruses
Though the day is long, it is at night when you will find yourself at your most productive. Maybe you will learn Latin or how to tap dance by the light of the moon. Or maybe your popular blog column will gather a hundred new readers when you make a post at night. This month you will acquire a brand new skill or polish up an existing talent when you work after the sun has set, so take advantage of the few hours of nighttime.
♌ Leo (7/23-8/22)
Venus, the Morning Star, has risen in the fifth house. You will have an encounter with a person that will bring extraordinary change to your life if you wear vibrant neon colors on hot, sunny days. Perhaps this person is your long-lost biological mother who safe surrendered you at a fire station when you were a baby. Maybe this person will become the love of your life. Find this pivotal figure of intrigue with the blessing of Venus and retina-searing highlighter clothing.
♍ Virgo (8/23/9/22)
LO: Spool of thread
ULO: Light bulbs
Virgo, it’s hard. It’s hard being utterly luckless in love, due to the inauspicious positioning of the brilliant star Spica in the fourth house. It’s hard and no one understands. That lovely person you have been pining after will suddenly drop you for some stranger and completely forget about you. Don’t bother trying to recapture their interest. Remember that there are more fish in the ocean, so refrain from wallowing in your misery.
♎ Libra (9/23-10/23)
LO: Pool balls
ULO: Police stations
You will be given the opportunity to pull off an incredible scam and get lots of money this month. You must convince the most annoying person you know that they have the gift to commune with spirits, then tell them to do the Gangnam Style dance under the waxing gibbous while drawing a mystic rune to summon Astaroth, grand demon of the Ars Goetia. While they’re busy, steal their wallet and sneak away. That wallet has some rare Pokemon trading cards, which you can sell for a fortune.
♏ Scorpio (10/24-11/22)
ULO: Scantron tests
Looks like the glare of the red supergiant Antares has bestowed you with incredible gambling luck. To make the most of your prosperity, you must head to Chinatown at sunset and go to an underground casino. Without any effort on your part, your winnings will be ungodly . Even when the suspicious and angry guards come to beat you up and throw you out, you will evade them easily.
♐ Sagittarius (11/21-12/21)
LO: Taro ice cream
ULO: K-pop boy bands
Jupiter will gift you will the knowledge of robotics. You will find writing algorithms and stitching up circuit boards for an entourage of robot henchmen a pretty cool idea, and you will get started right away. Beware of programming them to do anything dangerous and avoid making their AI too complex, or else they will turn against you and plot to wreak some havoc against humanity.
♑ Capricorn (12/22-1/20)
What is the sound of one hand clapping? What color is the sun at night? How does hate loop around the universe and return as love? When will you stop making koans and cryptic riddles? Fortunately for you, but unfortunately for others, you will never stop. You will suddenly delight in being obtuse and frustrating, and if you can make forty people upset with your enigmatic puzzles then your next fortune will definitely be positive.
♒ Aquarius (1/21-2/18)
LO: Stuffed puppies
ULO: Public bathrooms
You thought you were going to catch a lucky break and avoid flaming Porta Potties, didn’t you? Well, you thought wrong.
♓ Pisces (2/19-3/20)
LO: Coffee mugs
Sunset will be your luckiest hour and you will find a mysterious grimoire in the next bookstore you visit. Channel the fortune of Saturn and receive the gift of unparalleled intellect by reading the grimoire through and learning all the mystical runes. If you team up with a Libra, the two of you can pull of an incredible scam.