Oracle Drive: Summer Fortuna


Once again, thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. Summer is nearly here, and for readers who are swamped with A.P. testing, studying for finals, and similar end-of-the-year schoolwork, the promise of two months’ worth of peace and vacation is like a gift of manna. If you’re graduating in a few weeks, rejoice for you will never have to see those assholes again  be tearfully signing yearbooks and taking farewell self portraits on your mobile cellular devices. In seasons of embarkation (such as summer) I, Teiresia Nostradame, Seer PhD, will guide you through the tides of change. What will the summer hold, and what will come afterwards? It is my destiny to pull back the veil of your future. Behold!

This is the last post I will make for this column, but fear not! My next book, Oracle Pages: A Compendium of Assorted Fates for the Next Decade, will have horoscopes for each season for the next ten years. It will hit the shelves next fall, so be sure to get it. In fact, you will. Even if every bookstore in the world burns to the ground, my compendium will find its’ way into your hands. It is inexorable. It is written in the stars…

LO: Lucky Object

ULO: Unlucky Object


Aries (3/21-4/19)

LO: Terrible movies

ULO: Expensive French pastries

This summer, you will hang out with a bunch of fat, lazy anarchists and watch every movie off of Roger Ebert’s ‘Most Hated Movies’ list. Then you will go to the beach and build a bonfire pit and roast some s’mores. You will listen to ancient and awful eighties aerobics studio music while playing tag football–wait, what’s that? You were expecting some sort of insight into your future political ways? Don’t simply see the word “anarchists” and leap to conclusions. You’ll just meet some friends who are fat and lazy and are also anarchists, that’s all.


Taurus (4/20-5/20)

LO: Blue velvet

ULO: Cell phones

You will find yourself in peaceful seclusion this summer. You won’t visit friends often and you’ll be far away. Throughout the year you have been harangued and pressed to socialize and attend gatherings and functions you don’t want to bother with, and now you are finally free to leave and do as you please. It just so happens that Neptune has traveled to the eighth house, so if you travel to a different time zone in a country near the equator, you will receive a blessing of energy and motivation to snap you out of the lethargy you have been feeling recently.


Gemini (5/21-6/21)

LO: Daisy chains

ULO: Organic tofu

Somebody unpleasant is about to drop into your life with wild abandon like bird poop dropping out of the sky. While you will not know this ruffian personally, they bear relation to a close family member. You have two options: a) have the patience of a saint and try to get along with them, but know that they will not do the same for you or b) get away from them. Do not try to pick fights with them. The recommended action when you’re stuck with them is to ward off the malefactor with horrible floral scented candles and hang daisy garlands on the door.


Cancer (6/22-7/22)

LO: Frozen yogurt coupons

ULO: Sparkling mineral water

You will be invited to attend a metric ton of parties this summer because, obviously,everybody loves you and thinks you are amazing, obviously. Unfortunately, due to the malevolent presence of Mars in the fourth house, all the parties you attend will be terrible. You will find yourself chaperoning little kids at bouncy castles and sitting alone at redneck backyard barbecues, your mind rotting from boredom. Or you will be roped into crashing some empty fancy house in a gated community and end up making a series of poor life decisions, all while drinking yourself senseless with the tenth cup of Magic Tequila Surprise and waiting to become a teen statistic.


Leo (7/23-8/22)

LO: BBC nature documentaries

ULO: Pineapples

You will soon find that your life is at a crossroads. Choosing one path will mean forsaking another (forever), in order to abandon your status quo or maintain it (instead of seeking new opportunities). Thanks to the auspicious positioning of Venus to the star Canopus, interacting with any form of new life, such as a baby or a sprouting plant or a fuzzy kitten, will bring immense luck for the rest of the summer.


Virgo (8/23-9/22)

LO: Eucalyptus trees

ULO: Toads

In a requiem of sunshine and rainbows, you can say your farewells at the funeral of your existential crisis. Long have you muddled in uncertainty, not knowing what to do with your life and where you stand in the grand scheme of things, but this summer you will be hit with a sudden bolt of clarity. You will understand what your passion in life is, and you will pursue it, without regard for your chances of success. Those who attempt to discourage you will soon die in a pit.


Libra (9/23-10/23)

LO: Cards Against Humanity

ULO: Fluffy bunnies

Thanks to a painfully hot and especially uninteresting summer, you will consider making terrible artwork to stave off your boredom. At first your anti-art will simply be a joke on your part, but under the influence of Mars, many renowned art critics will find your creations to be inspirational pieces of social commentary. By the end of summer, you will achieve momentary fame as an outstanding dada artist, much to your confusion.


Scorpio (10/24-11/22)

LO: Meteorites

ULO: Laptops

Congratulations. You have climbed to the upper echelons of Nostalgic Fandoms and have achieved the rank Nostalgia Ranter: Legacy of the Elitist Whining Hyperwizard. Your current object of obsession is wonderful, exactly as it is. How amazing it is that you are among the select few that truly appreciate your favorite work? But what’s this? The thing you are a fan of – a band, a TV show series, a video game – has released a new work that is not only popular and mainstream now, but clearly inferior to its predecessors! This new installment doesn’t hold a candle to the old works! It has no redeeming qualities! How DARE the fandom slaver over it? Your favorite series will certainly take a turn for the worse because of this new thing and its’ uneducated fans. Clearly, the only thing left for you to do is publish essay upon hate-filled essay to express your infinite rage, and shriek at anyone who feels otherwise. Who knows? Maybe if you whine enough, a meteor will hit your house and put you out of your misery.


Sagittarius (11/23-12/21)

LO: 3D Printers

ULO: Parasols

If you could conjure an arctic air mass, you would do so immediately. Summer is basically a preview of hell: full of fire and suffering. Why is the sun so harsh? Why is it ten gazillion degrees outside? You are sweating so much, you feel like you could melt and evaporate at the same time. To make things worse, the weather isn’t actually that hot. Due to the unlucky conjunction of Betelgeuse and Jupiter, you will feel the sun’s heat worse than anyone. The world may not be the Sahara Desert, but unfortunately to you, it will feel that way.


Capricorn (12/22-1/20)

LO: Anime memorabilia

ULO: Party horns

Speaking of the underworld, here you are. You have accepted a summer job you thought you would like, but in reality, you will loathe it. Your boss withholds your salary, your customers act like piles of poop, and most of all, you hate what you do. Maybe you thought working at that clothing store would net you employee discounts, but instead you are yelled at by customers in the dressing room and you have no discounts. Maybe you thought working at that noodle restaurant would pay well and lead to some free food, but instead you’re underpaid, stuck doing dishes and catching cockroaches until the cows come home.


Aquarius (1/21-2/18)

LO: Inner tubes

ULO: Matchsticks

Thanks to the hot weather, many new and unforeseen objects will be susceptible to fire. You should really watch out for public restrooms of a portable disposition, as they are known to spontaneously combust. The power of Mercury will bestow upon you a protection against fire, but you must go floating in the ocean once a week to receive Mercury’s full blessing.


Pisces (2/19-3/20)

LO: Green fluorescent protein

ULO: Ceiling fans

Your summer will be all about learning. You will be summoned to a new country, or a new discipline, or a new relationship, and you will have to learn to adapt. Broaden your worldview by traveling, studying, or bonding with somebody else. However, beware of summer languor. You are especially prone to inertia and lazy days, and you spend most of your summers as a couch potato, but you will regret your inaction if you do nothing during the summer vacation.


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