Do you remember the Seer who used to run this column? No? Good. Remember how she was going to publish a compendium on all fortunes for every horoscope sign for the next decade? You don’t remember that either. Excellent. We’re off to a great start.
As it turns out, our renowned Seer Ph.D was heading to the publishing company with the manuscript for the Oracle Drive compendium when suddenly a nearby Porta Potty containing a rogue pipe bomb detonated (the Higher Powers like a good joke once in a while). In a twist of irony, she was caught in the blast and totally failed to see that coming. The Seer could predict winning lottery numbers and never failed to use that to her advantage, so not being able to save herself from an explosive fate is probably karma catching up to her or something.
Thankfully, the compendium was saved, albeit in terrible shape. Being the only assistant to the late Seer (and therefore the successor to her column), the job of reporting the legible fortunes and re-predicting the prophecies that were lost falls to me.
Welcome to Nice and Accurate Horoscopes! They’re so precise, they can tell you what kind of cereal you’ll eat for breakfast on Monday three years from now. I’ll share both world-changing events and mundane personal happenings to readers, from when the next major epidemic breaks out to when you should consider adopting a kitten to woo your beloved.
So what kind of shenanigans are we willing to put up with today?
Words by Serina Fang