I am actually going to to give new readers a rundown on their respective horoscopes. People love being categorized into things, especially if the categories are defined in ways that everybody can relate to in some way. The ten thousand quizzes on the Internet that tells you what Hogwarts house you belong to, what your MBTI type is, and what kind of mystic animal guide you have are examples of this. “Sweet baby Jesus, my type is NOGF and I really don’t have a girlfriend! I do live gripped by fear of the nefarious friend zone! That’s so me!!!”
I bet you’re just dying to find out what your star sign says about your personality, aren’t you? Well, here they are. Let’s see what it is.
♈ Aries (3/21-4/19)
You linger in the ghost of your childhood. You have Disney movie marathons every night, and you know all the song lyrics to every single Disney movie song. You are probably that one annoying person who just can’t stop singing songs from Frozen even though you’ve been told to shut up by two dozen people. You wish you didn’t have to grow up and face the horrors of a world rated M for Mortgage and Money Management.
♉ Taurus (4/20-5/20)
You are the most likely out of the twelve astrological signs to develop severe addiction problems, but other than that you’re a person who knows when to be realistic and plan towards your goals and when to go on flights of fantasy. You laugh too loudly and can come off as rude and abrasive. You’re stubborn as an ox, and not just because your horoscope is one. You are strongly opinionated and won’t shut up about topics you’re passionate about. You won’t hesitate to tell others if they’re being stupid.
♊ Gemini (5/21-6/21)
You take all the online quizzes. All of them. Every single one of them, from How Likely Are You Going to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse to What Kind of Anime Character Are You. You love self-discovery, and can’t get enough of it. You’ve probably read through all of this five times and told all your friends what kind they are. You are also the kind of person to go through a lot of phases and experiment with life. Because of that, you’ve probably been an otherkin twice, once as a nine-tailed fox and another time as a dragon. Gemini are most compatible with Tumblr bloggers.
♋ Cancer (6/22-7/22)
You are cutthroat competitive and hyper intelligent. Is your dream to work in the field of biotechnology? You’ll go for it, and you won’t stop until you’ve made a series of key discoveries, completely revolutionized stem cell research, and ensured the bankruptcy of several rival pharmaceutical companies. You are determined and confident and spend an obscene amount of time studying. You probably have a 5.0 GPA and are bound for the top colleges of the world. Your compatibility with Scorpios is the same as a metal spoon’s compatibility with being microwaved.
♌ Leo (7/23-8/22)
You think with your heart, not your brain. You are emotional, sometimes explosively so, and you do not hesitate to show people how you feel. You always pick what you feel is right. Reality may as well be an opinion you disagree with. People who are all logic and no emotion are heartless monsters and you hate them all! What do you mean “be reasonable?” You just don’t care! That’s right, I am going to use my life savings to open a cafe in Venice that sells only sustainably and ethically grown organic coffee and donate all profits to saving children dying of ebola because that’s what I feel is best!
♍ Virgo (8/23-9/22)
Why do you always feel the need to take life-threatening risks? Because you are probably an existential nihilist. The rush of risk-taking and overcoming the odds is the only thing you derive joy from, because you understand that we are as brief as mayflies, and our world is just a blip in the universe. There is no grand scheme of things, just chaos and a series of coincidences. So why not go skydiving without a parachute? It makes for a nice Youtube video and the adrenaline grants you respite from the conundrums of the cosmos.
♎ Libra (9/23-10/23)
Is the piece of masking tape covering the camera on your computer? Check. Are the seventeen locks on your front door locked? Check. Did you test all the beverages in your house for poisoning? Check, and double check. While you aren’t diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, you are still the biggest conspiracy theorist imaginable. You believe aliens helped the Egyptians make the pyramids and also believe they won’t be so kind the next time they visit. You think the NSA is trying to turn the world into a combination of the plotlines from 1984 and Brave New World. Cthulhu is in the Bermuda Triangle, and speaking of triangles, Illuminati symbols are everywhere and are keeping you up at night.
♏ Scorpio (10/24-11/22)
You are ruthless and relentless when in pursuit of what you want, and you will never take ‘no’ for an answer. You never compare yourself to others, because you’re the best. However, when you meet somebody who is just as driven as you are, you will do anything you can to make them fail. You also have an amazing capacity to hold a grudge. Anyone who has crossed you will never live to tell the tale. You can and will break into your offender’s house and start a grease fire at three in the morning.
♐ Sagittarius (11/21-12/21)
You are the type of person who derives all their happiness from extrinsic means. Materialism is great. Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness is clearly a bitter and pretentious individual, and you pity them. After all, money gets you all of your basic needs and more. And no, you aren’t buying all this cool stuff because you have no meaningful relationships in your life, okay? People should just stop judging, Christ.
♑ Capricorn (12/22-1/20)
Oh no, not this guy again.
♒ Aquarius (1/21-2/18)
While you surround yourself with people, you still feel alone in your heart. You yearn to meet that special person who will make you complete, a soul mate, a bro, a compadre. You covet a romance, a friendship, a social life that will thoroughly exhaust you but you will love every second of it. It’s really too bad that you don’t have anything unique to really call yours: no interesting personality, no distinguishing features, no real interests other than what seems popular at the time. Yes, you copy trends like the Xerox machine of your soul, and in the end you are reduced to making posts on Facebook in which you ask people to comment with one fond memory they’ve had with you. But here you are, heart floating in the anguished abyss, orbiting nothing. God you are so alone.
♓ Pisces (2/19-3/20)
You are a peacemaker, an anchorite, a Zen master. You are so spiritually profound, people wonder why you haven’t taken to speaking like a fortune cookie yet. You give blessings to everyone you meet, wherever you go. You decorate your house with rainbow Tibetan prayer flags and golden Buddha statues along with the cross and the Star of David. You listen to vague temple ambient music and feel peace in your heart all the time. People only wish they could be half as tranquil as you are. You aren’t compatible with anyone except the vastness of the cosmos and the energy it gives.
Prognostications by Serina Fang