Halloween is one of those rare times of the year where the cosmic forces indulge in a joke. Unfortunately, possibly because of one too many handfuls of expired candy corn, the cosmic forces have developed a rather morbid sense of humor and most of you are going to die. Well, that’s what Halloween is all about right? Creepy but cute costumes, morbid yet magical traditions, ghosts, jack-o-lanterns, and skeletons all over the place. Instead of handing out candy, here are your Halloween fortunes, each one describing your spooky doom and how to avoid it. I’m not like one of those spiteful neighbors that gave Charlie Brown nothing but rocks just because his costume was riddled with holes. I’m being helpful, so consider these horoscopes to be the equivalent of full-size Snickers bars even though your future has more holes than Charlie Brown’s ghost costume.
♈ Aries (3/21-4/19)
It seems that out of everybody else, you have the best fortune of all this Halloween. You will make lots of cool new dead friends by removing the G on “graveyard” and turning it into a raveyard. All the ghosts will rise out from their crypts, twirling glowsticks and blasting music. You should invite a few live friends too, if only so the police can arrest somebody when nearby residents inevitably start whining about the noise level and paranormal activity.
♉ Taurus (4/20-5/20)
It is imperative that you go trick-or-treating this year. You may not use the excuse that you’re too old or too cool for that kind of childish thing. Put on any costume, and just leave. Between 8 pm and 9 pm, a neighborhood poltergeist is sweeping through houses looking to prank people by turning on their gas tap and flinging a lit match at it. It’s just lonely and wants ghost friends to keep it company, but unless you really fancy blowing up in your house and becoming that poltergeist’s new ghostly buddy, you should leave for an hour of trick-or-treating and return home after 9.
♊ Gemini (5/21-6/21)
At exactly 8:30 pm, you will be visited by the Grim Reaper. No, it’s not just some guy trick-or-treating in a black hoodie with a cardboard scythe. This is Death himself, and he wants your soul. You can convince him to leave by giving him Ghirardelli chocolate. Don’t give him any of that cheap fun-sized chocolate or else Death will collect the soul of not only you but every person on your block.
♋ Cancer (6/22-7/22)
Looks like you just got drafted to the front lines of the skeleton war. There’s going to be a major decisive battle on Halloween night –– a battle in which you will immediately lose the moment you step out onto the field. To avoid being an ill-fated skeleton infantryman, you should assume another identity.
♌ Leo (7/23-8/22)
Have you ever thought about dabbling in necromancy? Well, if you haven’t, you really should. Your favorite pet is going to pass away this Halloween, and you’ll be so heartbroken. Even worse, you won’t even have the chance to say good bye. In your despair, you will discover an amazing hidden talent for raising the dead. Nothing could cheer you up more than bringing back Fuzzy the cat or Spot the dog for one last Halloween.
♍ Virgo (8/23-9/22)
You will be one of the few live guests to a graveyard party thrown by a friend who is an Aries. Thoroughly enchanted by the ghosts present, you won’t even notice the policemen coming to investigate the noise level. Next thing you know, you’ll wake up in a hospital with a doctor telling you that you’ve been part of a group hallucination last night. Unfortunately, you’re not in your own body anymore. You’ve woken up in the body of one of the policemen, and the whereabouts and condition of your actual body are unknown.
♎ Libra (9/23-10/23)
A flying saucer from the Gliese 581 planetary system will land in your backyard. They’re here to study the human custom of trick-or-treating, so instead of snapping ten thousand photos to send to NASA, indulge your extraterrestrial guests with Halloween candy. They will leave happy after trick-or-treating and might even consent to a photo shoot instead of vaporizing you with a gamma ray gun.
♏ Scorpio (10/24-11/22)
Eldritch abominations in the form of jellyfish creatures will rise from the sea and begin to take over the beach. Do not under any circumstance join the fight against the approaching malefactors because your chances of getting eaten are 99.99%. Instead, spend the evening at a local sushi restaurant and dress in a shark costume.
♐ Sagittarius (11/21-12/21)
This Halloween, you will find yourself in a zombie situation. Not the brain-devouring kind, but rather you have to deal with the empty shell of a friend who is a Virgo. After a bit of investigation, you will learn of a certain graveyard party and the supernatural shenanigans that went down. You must help your friend find their way back to their own body before something unholy decides to possess it.
♑ Capricorn (12/22-1/20)
I think you should just stay indoors this Halloween. Scary movie marathons aren’t too bad.
♒ Aquarius (1/21-2/18)
No matter how tempting it may be, do not go for a joyride on that enchanted broomstick you found. Do not invite any friends over to ride with you. It might be fun to go flying through the night sky at first, but if you are neither a witch nor a licensed aviator, your chances of flying into a helicopter because you can’t steer are extremely high. You may, however, loan that enchanted broomstick to a nemesis and encourage them to go flying.
♓ Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Princess of darkness though you may be, do not try to summon any zoologically dubious creatures this Halloween. Especially not creatures of the marine environment. Dark and ancient forces are strong on Halloween night, and you may find them going out of your control and terrorizing the waterfront of your town.
Prognostications by Serina Fang