[Editors Note: Below is an actual (totally not made-up) letter from an actual (totally not made-up) school, written by an actual (totally not made-up) principal, regarding an actual (totally not made-up) new and improved school lunch program.]
Dear Faculty, Parents, and Students,
I have become aware of the many complaints about the school lunch program. But before, I state the changes that will be implemented during the coming week, I would like to acknowledge that even the majority of the staff dread having to eat the school lunches. Because of the significant amount of leftovers, we are actually wasting precious taxpayer dollars. As an attempt to reduce this loss of money, teachers and other staff members will be asked to take these leftovers home. I realize that this request has created tension between the creators of lunch program and the faculty and staff. I am also aware that the low quality of school lunches is a popular topic of student conversation. Therefore, I have proposed the following change to the school lunch program.
This coming week, cold spaghetti, sloppy joes, tacos, tamales, and other lunches will be replaced by a single dish that will satisfy the needs of all students. This new dish will be the following: a vegetarian friendly, vegan friendly, pescetarian friendly, carnivore friendly, omnivore friendly, meat-free, GMO-free, organism-free, bacteria and virus-free, and 100% flavor neutral.
My hope is that this new, all-purpose lunch will be enjoyed by everyone, so much so, that parents and students from other schools will flock to our school to enjoy a universally pleasing meal, which has been prepared by factory workers from over one hundred miles away. Rest assured, I have personally taste-tested this delicious concoction myself. Considering the fact that I have dysfunctional taste buds, I do have to say the meal is the even more delicious than Gordon Ramsay’s best dish.
I hope you all enjoy the new and improved school lunches. Flavor-free is the new delicious.
Principal Octavian Sylvester Florence
Words and Image by Mina Choe