Satirical Society of Scintillating Sentences: It’ll Give You Cancer

finAn anonymous person on a forum who goes by “harmonylovrr09” posted a thread that has left many people shredding the tips of their shoelaces, otherwise known as aglets. On a thread called ”PLZ READ” harmonylovrr09 posted:

“im a doctor and ive been working on what causes cancer for a really long time for a while i thought fish tanks caused cancer but then i discovered that the tips of shoelaces caused a weird bump in one of the lab mouses stomach. when i investiatged i saw that the tip of the shoelace caused a stomach tumor in the mouse. i only had one tip of the shoelace (the other one disappeared i dont know how) so i dont kno wat the affect is if i would of used both tips of the shoelace

~~Cause you know I love the players and you love the game~~”

Although I cannot verify that the user is indeed a doctor, since he/she has posted such a mind-blowing post on the Internet, I cannot help but believe anything this user has posted. Other posts harmonyluvrr09 has covered many topics, including a thread called “HARRY LEAVING ONE DIRECTION”, in which he/she wrote about a singer named Harry Styles leaving a group called One Direction and becoming a solo artist.

Below is a reply to the thread above by a user named bulletDestroyer1:

“oh my god!! i cant believe i didnt read this post sooner. i cant believe the tips of shoelaces cause cancer. im totally going to believe anything you say because you must always be right afterall your a doctor, right?
ill wreck you so hard gg no re”

Of course because it’s merely text, I cannot be certain whether bulletDestroyer1’s reply was sarcastic or not, but assuming it wasn’t, I am very glad he took harmonyluvrr09’s warning seriously. To everyone who has not yet read harmyluvrr09’s thread, please be careful around the tips of shoelaces, and shred them as soon as possible. I understand that after shredding the aglets it will be very difficult to fit your laces through the holes on your sneakers, but I assure you it is for your own good.

Ironman thinks he’s so f—king great.

Words and Picture by Mina Choe

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