Nice and Accurate Horoscopes: Prophecies for All Hallows’ Eve

 

Halloween is one of those rare times of the year where the cosmic forces indulge in a joke. Unfortunately, possibly because of one too many handfuls of expired candy corn, the cosmic forces have developed a rather morbid sense of humor and most of you are going to die. Well, that’s what Halloween is all about right? Creepy but cute costumes, morbid yet magical traditions, ghosts, jack-o-lanterns, and skeletons all over the place. Instead of handing out candy, here are your Halloween fortunes, each one describing your spooky doom and how to avoid it. I’m not like one of those spiteful neighbors that gave Charlie Brown nothing but rocks just because his costume was riddled with holes. I’m being helpful, so consider these horoscopes to be the equivalent of full-size Snickers bars even though your future has more holes than Charlie Brown’s ghost costume. 

Nice and Accurate Horoscopes: What Your Sign Says About You

I am actually going to to give new readers a rundown on their respective horoscopes. People love being categorized into things, especially if the categories are defined in ways that everybody can relate to in some way. The ten thousand quizzes on the Internet that tells you what Hogwarts house you belong to, what your MBTI type is, and what kind of mystic animal guide you have are examples of this. “Sweet baby Jesus, my type is NOGF and I really don’t have a girlfriend! I do live gripped by fear of the nefarious friend zone! That’s so me!!!”

I bet you’re just dying to find out what your star sign says about your personality, aren’t you? Well, here they are. Let’s see what it is. 

Nice and Accurate Horoscopes: A Rebirth

Do you remember the Seer who used to run this column? No? Good. Remember how she was going to publish a compendium on all fortunes for every horoscope sign for the next decade? You don’t remember that either. Excellent. We’re off to a great start.

As it turns out, our renowned Seer Ph.D was heading to the publishing company with the manuscript for the Oracle Drive compendium when suddenly a nearby Porta Potty containing a rogue pipe bomb detonated (the Higher Powers like a good joke once in a while). In a twist of irony, she was caught in the blast and totally failed to see that coming. The Seer could predict winning lottery numbers and never failed to use that to her advantage, so not being able to save herself from an explosive fate is probably karma catching up to her or something. 

Oracle Drive: Summer Fortuna

Once again, thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. Summer is nearly here, and for readers who are swamped with A.P. testing, studying for finals, and similar end-of-the-year schoolwork, the promise of two months’ worth of peace and vacation is like a gift of manna. If you’re graduating in a few weeks, rejoice for you will never have to see those assholes again  be tearfully signing yearbooks and taking farewell self portraits on your mobile cellular devices. In seasons of embarkation (such as summer) I, Teiresia Nostradame, Seer PhD, will guide you through the tides of change. What will the summer hold, and what will come afterwards? It is my destiny to pull back the veil of your future. Behold!

This is the last post I will make for this column, but fear not! My next book, Oracle Pages: A Compendium of Assorted Fates for the Next Decade, will have horoscopes for each season for the next ten years. It will hit the shelves next fall, so be sure to get it. In fact, you will. Even if every bookstore in the world burns to the ground, my compendium will find its’ way into your hands. It is inexorable. It is written in the stars…

Oracle Drive: Light Up Your Luck

Thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. Now that we are in daylight savings, we are given a few extra hours to bask in the sun’s radiance. For those of us who enjoy the warmth and glow of daytime, this is an auspicious time of year to be taken advantage of. For those of us more inclined to the calm darkness of night and the softer gleam of stars and the moon, do not worry about being Fortune’s forsaken. I can help you navigate your most fortuitous path and divine your fate with complete accuracy. From me, you will know how and when to make big bucks, how and where you will find adventure, and where and when that Porta Potty in front of your house will spontaneously combust.

Now let’s continue. All horoscopes are absolutely accurate or your money back. Refunds and fates non-negotiable.

Oracle Drive: Springing into Action

Thank you for consulting the Oracle Drive, and I, the Seer, will deliver the fates I have gleaned from the cosmos.

Spring is arriving at last, and with it comes the joys of sunlight and flowers and hay fever. Riding in the wake of spring rainstorms and floral celebrations are hopeful, hectic times, and you may grow frightened at the thought of the future. Will you be Fortune’s favorite or Fortune’s fool? Are the days waiting ahead peaceable and benevolent or stressful and turbulent? Will you finally move out of your parents’ basement and get a job? Only time will tell, and it’s fortunate I can read time through the stars.

Let’s learn something together.

Oracle Drive: Into the Unseen of 2014

The Aether year, the horse year, the traveling year. 2014 is welcomed with the unique lunar alignment to Jupiter and Mars as well as the usual Quadrantids meteor shower. The frosty first month will be of great import in the new year, as it is the month that will decide the direction of the whole year. January is Directions and Steering, Crossroads and Deciding. You, dear reader, won’t be caught in January confusion. You have consulted Oracle Drive, and now you will no longer stumble through the dark like some horribly drunk and muddled ghost. You’ll just be a slightly less drunk and muddled ghost.

Let’s not waste any more time.

Oracle Drive: You’re Getting Horoscopes for Christmas ♪

The celebrated author of The Temporal Analects and Post-Mortem Communication for Complete Idiots, Madame Teiresia Nostradame, Seer Ph. D launches her online debut! The Seer is in.

A Introduction of the Seer
Thank you for consulting Oracle Drive. I am Teiresia Nostradame, the latest in a long line of foreseers. I enjoy translating locked tomes of eldritch lore from Timeless Oldtongue to modern English, communing with the Astral Clergy of the Elder Gods residing in the Furthest Quasars, predicting the future so accurately it’s unreal, asking the Stars for the Fates of the world, not to mention, shopping in thrift stores. With the gift of the Oracle Implant I retain the memories of the visions my predecessors saw before me, and I gaze into the Creative Void for answers, yet to be revealed by the waves of Time.

My readings are guaranteed accurate. My truths, brief. I shall not be excessively verbose in imparting the wisdom of the Fortunes for fear of miscommunication. There shall be no hamfisted prose and there shall be no wheeling about the truth like a drunk bus driver about to kill sixty passengers by flipping over the side of a bridge railing.

These are the Transcendental Fates from the Esoteric Beyond. These are your Horoscopes. These are your futures.